i don’t know how to create anymore

burnout after college, a bleak job market, and "late" in life self-discovery

I graduated from music school last year. And I haven’t written a song since.

In high school, I worked insanely hard. I was up every day before 6am, going to rehearsals and practices immediately after school until 10pm almost every night, not including the part time job I had. I worked incredibly hard and didn’t show anyone how much I was struggling in private. During my senior year, I auditioned for some of the top musical theater programs in the country. I was accepted into none of them. Which was for the best. Like honestly, thank god.

Anyway. I worked myself to the bone in high school. Then I didn’t get into college in the way I wanted. So I took a gap year. Then I studied Journalism for a year before transferring to the college I would eventually go on to graduate from. But now, after years of work and a move to New York City, I am fucking exhausted.

Earlier this year, I read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. While I was reading this book and especially after I finished it, I feel like I woke up for the first time in my life. It made me realize that it actually Does Not Matter what other people think. Like at all. And how I’ve moved through the world for my entire life was in pursuit of something entirely unattainable. I always wanted the most friends, for everyone to like me, to be popular, to be the most talented and the smartest so people wouldn’t be able to ignore or disregard me. But this left me with almost zero true, close friendships and a nonexistent sense of self.

Throughout college, my peers and I were taught that it’s incredibly important to understand what your brand is and how to present yourself. This was probably what I struggled the most with during my time in undergrad. I hardly understood who I was, so how was I supposed to know how to present that to others as something cohesive?

After reading The Courage to Be Disliked, I began on a journey of self-discovery that I am currently in as I write this. I got sober a little over 5 months ago (yay!) and my therapist has been incredibly helpful the entire time. I’ve also been doing a lot of research on Autism and ADHD. My brother was diagnosed as Autistic when he was like. 2 years old? And only recently did I realize that neurodiversity might be the reason I have struggled so much throughout my life. But that can also be a topic for another time because I have LOTS to say. Long story short, after being alive for 24 years, I’m finally learning (and relearning) who I am and what I want.

All this to say, I’m still incredibly burnt out. And I know that rest is the only way to recover from burnout, but I’m still learning how to do that. And paying rent in the city does not allow for much rest and recovery time lol. But, taking a break from social media, spending time with my girlfriend and our cats, and reading and learning on my own time have all been helpful. My job as a barista, though, has not. I work almost 40 hours a week as a barista which consists of me standing on my feet for hours at a time (with one (1) half-hour long unpaid break); talking to finance bros who want a BLACK cold brew (get it right!) and rich, New York City white women who complain about the direction this country is going in, decide to move to London to escape it all, and recommend the same thing to their baristas getting paid minimum wage; and not getting tipped by people wearing Gucci and Vivienne Westwood. Needless to say, this job is not worth it. But, it’s the only job I’ve been able to get so far.

Apparently 2025 Gen Z recent grads are just as, if not more, worse off than 2008 Millenials when it comes to finding a job. Which I completely believe because myself and my friends experience it daily! Almost everyone I know is looking for a new job and no one can find one that makes use of their degree. Every person I know around my age is a barista, server, babysitter, or part-time employee at Best Buy or Trader Joe’s. When we all have four year degrees!!!! AI is taking all of the entry-level jobs and every single job on Indeed or LinkedIn or whatever cursed job board you’re on requires at LEAST two years of experience. I completed three internships before I moved to NYC and they have not seemed to help my chances one bit. You need to know someone at the company or know someone who knows someone who knows someone who owes them a favor. It hurts my brain! God forbid a girl be awkward and not great at networking.

All of this has led me to the conclusion that creating my own sort of career is probably the best bet. I want to start freelancing as a writer or singer or songwriter or whatever sort of creative something-or-other I can get my hands on. But that requires me to actually have been creative in the past year. And all I’ve done since graduating college is get high and rewatch the same four TV shows over and over. (Bojack Horseman, Steven Universe, Adventure Time, and Community if you’re wondering). Of course, I’m sober now and I want to be creative again. But I feel like I don’t know how. I started The Artist’s Way and got about halfway through before my girlfriend and I started searching for an apartment together and that took up every inch of my free time. The only book that has been able to get me out of my reading slump has been Unmasking Autism by Devon Price, PHD., because it was SO interesting to me and helped me learn a lot about myself and how my brain functions.

So, now I’m here. On Substack. Trying to recreate the days on Tumblr where I actually posted my own thoughts and stories as opposed to reblogging gifsets of whatever hyperfixation I was on at the time. Maybe something lucrative will come of this. Or maybe not. Hopefully, I just get some of my creativity back and I write a song or two. Or post myself singing on Instagram. Or feel like sharing the thoughts in my brain on the internet is worth it. I guess, let me know.

Thanks. I’ll see you soon (I hope).